Two rednecks, Rod and Pete, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Rod turns to Pete and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Pete thinks that's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Rod goes to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for four classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic," Rod says, "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, you must have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, you must have  a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, you probably have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Rod shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet Pete at the bar.

He tells Pete about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.

"Logic," Pete says, "What's that?"

Rod says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife
 

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight,

A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter

For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.

The Following Monday Morning,

The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied,

"I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.

I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...

I Was There Alone,

So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.

All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.

As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.

I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol.

The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,

And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,

"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

The Woman Replied Under Oath,

"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger Of My Pistol The 7th Time,

It Only Went Click."

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges.

And She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!
 

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"