Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower -
Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, darn, someone should go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies."
"Unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly, KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
After 20 years of marriage ,
a couple was lying in bed one evening ,
when the wife felt her husband begin to
fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,
and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down over her breasts,
stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again,
working down her side,
passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,
stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing,
she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful.
Why did you stop?'
He said , 'I found the remote'
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the Chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Still no takers.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. They had fled Europe after WW2, and formed their own town.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant...and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though, elderly, Norse firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Olee Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on the fookin truck!!!"
1. Wear your glasses.
To make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Want more? Okay!
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
Before her class on heaven and hell, a Sunday school teacher asker her students, "Do you know where little girls and boys go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," a little boy answered. "The back of Kristin's garage."
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: “Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kühe und die Schweine haben darin geschissen!”
Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!”
The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!”
The Amish man shouts back in English: “Use two hands, you’ll get more!”
Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.
Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.
Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap It In Bacon
2.Toss It In The Air!
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there
the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her
e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately,
he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's
wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow
checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream,
and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and
saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
PS: Sure is hot down here."
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."