Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry! I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I! 'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
Don't forget to mark your calendar.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, & to demonstrate they think it is okay to see nude women other than their wife, & to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American gov't appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists & applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The
doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in
disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the
appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide you own Easter eggs.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start maing the same noises as your coffee maker.
The Senility Prayer:
Grand me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.
The good fortuen to run into the ones I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one! Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
You can also used it in mixed drinks which means you can now "pour yourself a stiff one!"
Sometimes I am so gullible!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings . . . but this one is
real, and it's important. So please send out this warning:
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked !
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and used now !!
A young, good looking Cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store,
A company pickup truck, and
$3,000 a month living expenses.
One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A Maltese dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.
The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The Maltese pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The Maltese went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.
The manager, looking to stump the Maltese, said: "Here is a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the Maltese came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual." The Maltese looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’
His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.’