Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Centipede Joke
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Talking Centipede
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is ??50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Where is my bike?
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Where is my bike?
The young minister, Brother Danny, was sadly relating his tale of woe to his buddy John. His bicycle was missing, perhaps even stolen. John suggested that if the good preacher really thought that his bicycle was stolen, he should preach his next sermon on the ten commandments. If he observed his flock closely during the discussion of Thou shalt not steal the thief would give himself away. Brother Danny agreed enthusiastically and the very next Sunday, he preached eloquently and convincingly on the commandments. Suddenly, about halfway through the sermon, he announced that the service was over. Afterwards, John sought out brother Danny and asked why the sermon was ended suddenly. Didn't we think that this would cause the thief to reveal himself?
"Yes we did" answered the good brother "but when we got to Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I had left my bicycle."
Bull Pills
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Bull Pills Joke
We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.
Anyhow,I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.
Taxi Driver In Heaven
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Taxi Driver In Heaven
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."
Fixing the Crossed Eyed Cow Joke
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Crossed Eyed Bull
Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn’t get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
”Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull’s rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop.”
The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed.
Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.
He says to himself “I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself.”
He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.
”Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing.”
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.
Finally, he said “You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch.”
Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
”What the hell are you doing, Luke?” says Farmer Brown.
”What do you think? I ain’t blowing on the same end that you did!”
The Prince Joke
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Prince Joke
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful princess, Will you
marry me? The Princess said, NO!
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and dated skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to nudie
bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain
Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony
and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and
never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family
thought he was cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and
left the toilet seat up ….. The end
Lawyer and Cop Joke
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Lawyer & Cop Joke
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Of course he thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he's big shot lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from West Virginia. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please." "What for?" asks the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop" says the deputy, "License and registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats impatiently..
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and without warning starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop... or just slow down?"
Who's sleepin in my bed? Joke
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Check the bed joke
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done,she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
Husband says : "Hi Darling, Your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you said Hello to them."
Boy in Play Joke
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Boy in Play Joke
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school
play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you
get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, maybe next
time you'll get a talking role!"
Sex Test
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Sex Test
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters,
so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.
The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
