Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replies. The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? "Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're my brother – he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
Wife: I have some good news and some bad news.
Husband: What's the good news?
Wife: The good news is I found a picture that's worth $500,000.
Husband: Wow! That's wonderful! What's the bad news?
Wife: The bad news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby
talk "You need to use big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana," he said.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he replied.
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What
book did you read?"
Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the CRAP!."
My wife and and I purchased an old home in Pocahontas County in the beautiful mountains WV from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my wife confidently declared.
One January night the temperature plunged to 10 below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My wife called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, she hung up.
"For the past 30 years," she muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven.
God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms." So they both followed.
First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said The Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman.
"Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, we get popes by the dozens, but you're our first lawyer."
I was at the Town Center yesterday and got beaten up by a woman. I was on the elevator when this beautiful woman with a great bust got on. I was staring at her boobs when she said would you please press 1. So I did. I don't remember much after that.