Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago,it would now be worth $49.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago,drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401 Keg Plan.
After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys .... ... a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy" he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.
In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in the jail for contempt!"
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
A shy guy in a crowded bar is trying to work up his nerve to talk to a beautiful girl sitting nearby. He finally goes up to her an quietly says, "Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?" She looks at him and in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, says, "No, I won't sleep with you!"
The guy is horribly embarrassed and returns to his bar stool. A few minutes later the girl comes over to him and says, "I want to apologize. I'm a grad student in psychology and am studying how people react to humiliating situations. I'm really sorry for doing that to you. Can you forgive me?" In the same loud voice she had used, he looks at her and answers "$200! No way!"
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Father, what is this?" he asked the pastor.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!' For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there? 'Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing.... 'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama! 'Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said ... ... "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well.... In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber, there were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-ear-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."