Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you
remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, “Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?” Nobody, of course raised their hand. So he issued the question again. “Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?” Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. “Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection.” The man responded, “My wife’s first husband.”
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes about and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied,
‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy.’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.’
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying 'God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, 'God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened. This morning our long timr neighbour James dropped dead on our porch.'
A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
Katie Couric , Charlie Gibson , Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq.
The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.
He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the a**,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the a**,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the a**.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the a**?'
'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three a**hole's report that I was the aggressor....?
Two rednecks, Rod and
Rod turns to
Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
The next day Rod goes to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for four classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic," Rod says, "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, you must have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, you must have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, you probably have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Rod shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet
Rod says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"
"Then you're a queer."