A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag ... "Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all
that money?" "You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", says the little
old lady. " You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the
football stadium. Each time there's a game,a lot of fans come and pee
through the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So,I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks
his little thingy through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes"

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not
everybody pays."

---

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his

physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home
and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as empty as when he gave it to him.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like
this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then
with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her
knees, but still nothing..

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

---

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did...without another thought. Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...and they can't die sooner, they still have things to do!!!

---

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral........ I'! m a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

---

Joe Paterno, Bear Bryant and Rich Rodriquez are in heaven before God. God asks Joe Paterno first - "What do you believe?"

Joe thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Paterno, and offers him a seat to his left. Then, God turns to Bear Bryant and says "What do you believe?"

Bear says, "I believe in passion, discipline. Courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on an off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by his sincere eloquence, and offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Rich Rodriquez. "And you, Rich, what do you believe?"

Rich replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

---

Two Redneck hunters from West Virginia got a pilot to fly them to Ohio to hunt deer. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can only take four deer.

The two good old boys object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same kind of plane as your."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Earl, "Any idea where we are?" "Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

---

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year
they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know
Martha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha
would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten
dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs
old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that
there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll
take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and
not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten
dollars."

They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still
nothing... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell
out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!

---

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

---

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at covered breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,


"He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

---

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why
he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and
I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be
a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very
sad. Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the st reet to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,
down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to
his room and sat, down with a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote his
letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

---

An atheist was walking through the woods.

What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing
In on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:


"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

---

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!”

A few weeks later it’s Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can’t even take her eyes off it.” Another friend says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.” The third friend replies “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car… reading the manual.” Silence from the fourth guy…

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what’s it gonna be?” and she said “Take a sweater.”

---

Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.”

---

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?'

The blonde says, 'Gracious Goodness, has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist!"

---

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, buthe made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

---

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the Milk Carton.

---

A census taker in a rural area went up to a rural West Virginia farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, 'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four...'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?' The woman answered, 'Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.'

---

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.


Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live? Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.


Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny. Again, Bruce instantly replies, Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.


By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?



Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, Well, we've been lucky so far.

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little fart is adorable.

---

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: ' Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't think so.

---

Ron was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

---

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered "THE TEETH."

---

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard..Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the redlight by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her
hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.......Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Priceless.

---

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a
drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at
all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he
did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife
in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to get groceries to make you your favorite
dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is
hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning
newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table,
eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well,
you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it,
and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black
eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his
son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and
so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom
dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . .

PRICELESS

---

Marijuana Filled Firewood
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend
on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

---

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb — it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb.. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

---

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
Oh,so now I'm inconsiderate and uncaring,eh ?
I only snapped because I warned you nuff,nuff times not to fill the enamel cup with wine and look how much Tide you had to use to wash the 4 yards of material on the front of the blouse.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to
my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the
stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great
product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

---

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.


4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then
you will be afraid to cough.


7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
 

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. So be brief with people.


10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

---

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

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