A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.


After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.


'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.'


The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,


'All right, Stupid, get in.'

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray .....

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays....

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays...

"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this . . Buy a ticket."

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

 After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

 One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.


 After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was a solo survivor from another shipwreck and the survivor was Hillary Clinton.

 That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

 He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

 He said, 'Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?'

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

One day David went to an auction. While he was there, he bid for a parrot. David really wanted this bird, so he got caught up and thoroughly involved in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he had bid much more than he had intended, David won the bid; the parrot was his at last.

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, 'I hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!'

'Don't worry.' said the auctioneer, 'He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?'

Ancient Indian knowledge

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After
They got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
Galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a
nursing home. On
the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on
the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued
on my way to the
store.


On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home
with the same six old
ladies lying naked on the lawn.


This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I
went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there
are six ladies lying naked
on your Front lawn?

''Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, -
they're having a yard sale.'

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."


"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and
she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and

pushed wide open.


"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not unti
l you have at leastseen my

demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horsemanure

from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a
new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet
while she as waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish
waiting on a customer.



When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that
faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary
exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie
had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to
find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw
for that hinge?'

Mary yelled back, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow,
just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her
horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get
through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on
her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police
officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took
her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door. She was escorted back to
the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting
with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,
the 'Choose Life' License plate holder,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days then we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

”Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.” “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane had landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking towards them.

Again, she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes?" she asked.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela."

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping
him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds t he boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never
seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in
the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping
for joy, but I thought what the heck, and starting jumping up and down
along with her. She said, "I have some really great news !"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying
for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for
you!"

Then she said, "There's 'more'!"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to
have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal*Mart and they
actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out
positive...........

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.


After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there

were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal

door and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the

circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your

wife and go home."



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and

went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came

out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go

home."



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,

to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots

were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging

on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened

slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death

with the chair."

West Virginia . After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.



After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.



At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.



To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we were friends."

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello, How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?""Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he...

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."

"Cooter"

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks,


"What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."


Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says,


"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it.


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "I'm really pleased darling now don't move! I will be right back."


He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.


The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


With that, he goes back in the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,


"She's not my wife.


She's not my wife.


She's not my wife!"


His funeral service will be held on Saturday

I DON'T THINK THEY TAUGHT THIS AT BUSINESS COLLEGE
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure , why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*hit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep s*hit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already ?"



The moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.

Leroy goes to a religious revival held in a tent, and listens to the fire and brimstone minister. After awhile, the minister asks anyone with needs to come forward to the front at the altar to be prayed over.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the minister asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies, 'Reverend, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The minister puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and places the other hand on top of Leroy's head, then he prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy, 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend - it ain't 'til next Wednesday!'

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an Anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural Splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a Recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use.

West Virginia Women


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she
was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but
on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put
away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from West Virginia. He told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to
eat and load the dishwasher.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

******** ***********************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied "Your horse called!"

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to
change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to
a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it doubled
as a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then
he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from
school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were
understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?',
they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty
movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half
way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in
tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad
with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped
her sharply, not once, but three times.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."


The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away."Johnny
wait until we say our prayer.""I don't have to," The boy
replied."Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a
prayer, before eating,at our house."

That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my husband should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. Do You think she is going through mental pause?? Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? ...

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Janein a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!

Childrens Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with Manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie,cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament, came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say,"Yes.")During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up forJesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room.
Their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed their worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. You will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.

"The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Officer, this is how the fight started...I rear-ended the car in
front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like...suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

.. . . and that's when the fight started...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such

a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the

first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first

time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be

rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house

and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited

for you to meet my parents, come on in!' where the girl's

parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace

and bows his head.


A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer

with his head down.


10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns

and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears.
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times: When i got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat.

Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

'The funeral director,' said his wife.

Toward the end of a Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% of the congregation held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:



'I outlived the bitches.'

Three women: One engaged,One married and a Mistress..........?
They are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: "The other night when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and a mask. When he saw me he said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long.

The mistress: "Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say anything.....but we had one wild night."

The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night. I got myself ready- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes home from work, opens the door and says, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the Closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, With the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover Are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again"

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Put your ad here!

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says,"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, askes,
"How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to you wife. I spoke to her on the phone fro three hours. you want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

" Take the poison."

Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled
over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...."I would have gotten out today."

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I want the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later, the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'


She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."


I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."


"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."


She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."


Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."


Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."


He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."


Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they
don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some
more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...




'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, '....Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, yes.

The robber shoots him dead.


He asks the second hostage if he too saw him rob
the bank.
The second hostage says, yes, and the robber
shoots him dead.


The robber goes up to the third hostage and asks him if he saw him rob the bank.

The third hostage answers, “No, but my wife did.”

A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions . . .
. . ., so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Hot Dang! So What happened next?'"

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off dear, the man should be here soon." Half-an-hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to........" "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you", Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really"? The photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well. Where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of..........." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it", Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my goodness!!!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so, I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um....equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?......Goodness, she's fainted!!!"

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had
been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?' The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had.

Bubba said: 'Shingles.'

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide
came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history
and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he