Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

We Can Still Drive

A group of seniors were sitting around the pool talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully. "THANK GOD WE CAN ALL STILL DRIVE!"
 

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush!'
 

A Blonde Caught Speeding

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Cookies For A Dying Man

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

Lost Wallet

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation, lost his wallet and all Identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

'May I see your identification, please'? asks the agent.

'I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,' replies the guy.

'Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,' says the agent.

'But I can prove I'm an American!' he exclaims. 'I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and George Bush on the other.'

This I gotta see,' replies the agent.

With that, the guy drops his pants and shows the agent.

'By golly, you're right!' exclaims the agent.

'Have a safe trip back to Chicago .'

'Thanks!' he says. 'But how did you know I was from Chicago ?'
 

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick him in the ass."
 

Worried About My Daughter

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
 

I Hate Your Cat

 A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day ...
... by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

 

A Bad Winter!

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or
mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going
to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of
the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."
 

Smell it?

A woman took her car to her mechanic.

She told him, "Every time I take my friends out in my car, there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I'm alone."

The mechanic was puzzled, so he said, "OK, let's go for a spin and see what the problem is."

Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerved, hit the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now—there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?" The mechanic replied,

"Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it."