Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined... "
"Our son is going to be a politician!"
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem:
she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female,
and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they
might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the
female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be
willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied
that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I
want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."
The second guy says,"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in children's lives."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!"
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”
There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish...
... and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep
the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
The room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said..
Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did
as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.
After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed
into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a load of holes and buried all the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they
ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."