George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white?The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his ambition to be the fastest gunslinger in the West. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'. 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your rear end and it won't hurt as much.

A manager was upset that he got no respect at the office...so he
taped a sign to his office door that read: "I AM THE BOSS!"

When he returned from lunch, someone had taped another
sign to his that said "Your Wife Called....She Wants Her Sign Back"!