Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.
The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.
As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.
The little voice says, "Oops..."
An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.
A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about the fate of her baby.
•Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
•Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
•Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The 3rd one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being a man he decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs!
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.The other three gathered around him and asked: “What’s wrong?”Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. “I’m sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.”One of his buddies asked, “What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?”Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, “This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole.”“Oh my God”, the other golfers said. “That must have been horrible!”“Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?” Bob continued still very distressed. “It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…”
One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline the rest of the year.
There were three friends Al, Jeff and Jake, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.
Jeff came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
Then Jake arrived and shows the king her ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to her, she thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry she burst out in laughter, therfore she was also killed.
After a while Jeff and Jake met in heaven. Then Jeff asked Jake, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!"
Jake replied, " I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Al showed up with all those watermelons!"