Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle..

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a ‘Sniffer dog’. ‘His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.’ He tells Smithy to ’search’.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, ‘Good boy’, and he turns to the man and says: ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’

‘Say, that’s pretty neat,’ replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to ’search’ again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent ‘What’s going on?’

The agent nervously replies,

‘He just found a bomb!’
 

UPS man goes to a house to deliver a package. He knocks on teh door and a 10 year old girl answers.

The girl is smoking a cigarett and has a beer in her hand.

Stunned, the UPS driver asks, "Is your Mother at home?"

The little girl replies, "What the Hell do you think?"