Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
One morning, on his way out to check on the cattle, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on."You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Thenyou should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said,"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks
if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. (a "cottonmouth" is a water moccasin -- one of the 4 poisonous snakes in North America, and generally the meanest; being more aggressive than rattlesnakes.)
Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He saw
a couple in a car, with the interior light on. As he got closer to the car he
saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a
young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and knocked
on the window. The young man lowered his window..."Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing toward the young woman, the cop asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged. "I believe she's knitting a sweater."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night... and
nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looked at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."