A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
'How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?'

'He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.'

'Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?'

'He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.'

'Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.'

'He died of a broken neck.'

'A broken neck?'

'He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.'

Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.

"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

A redneck was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars" she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks!
So they hide in the bushes and are 'engaged" for a minute or two when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
"Whats going on here?" asks the officer
I'm making love to my wife! Bubba answers sounding annoyed
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop "I didn't know"
"Well neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face"

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem:
she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species
available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female,
and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they
might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the
female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be
willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied
that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I
want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this
union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."