Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Blonde's Mom Dies
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asks sympathetically, "Whats the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "Im terribly sorry to hear that. Why dont you go home for the day... we arent terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, Id be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," re plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
The Barking Dog and The Blonde
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Irish Birth Control
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said: "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
"Aye, that ye did, Father," she replied.
"And have ye any wee little ones yet?" the priest asked.
"No, not yet, Father," she replied.
"Well now," the priest said: "I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
"Oh, thank ye, Father," she said and they parted ways.
Several years later, they met again. The Father asked: "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
"Oh, very well, Father!" she replied enthusiastically.
"And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" the priest asked.
"Oh yes, Father!" she replied: "Three sets of twins and four singles -- 10 in all!"
"That's wonderful!" he said: "And how is yer loving husband doing?"
"Not so well," Mrs. Donovan responded: "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle!"
I'm Just Fine!
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'... 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
Girlfriend In The Car
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something
about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his
girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and
walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the
bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's
me!"
Two Lawyers
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed rabbers burst in waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
Eye Test
A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a
driver's license.
He has to take an eye test.
The optician shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, " I KNOW THE GUY!"
Where is the Post Office?
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the post office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town, and I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “Awww, come on; you don’t even know the way to the damn post office!”
Look What You Got!
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
Buy Everybody a Drink!
A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!" The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.
The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."
The drunk says, "I don't have any money!"
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living daylights out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too." The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks. The bartender says, "That'll be $42.50."
The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money!"
This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"
The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
