Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some Cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers", and she put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two policemen were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The policemen turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday."
The first policeman turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
The COWBOY solution to save gasoline!
OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....
The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants! That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders.
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan.
Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in OUR military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,
without the canteen, rifle or ammo.
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2 to 3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this? "
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service...the 8:30 or the 10:00?"
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint..
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says.
"My agent called?"
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???
9. Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13. You fall off the floor...
14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
15. "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
18. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
19. At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
20. Your idea of cutting back means less salt.
21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
22. The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.
23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
24. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
25. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober"
26. Roseanne looks good.
27. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
28. "That damned pink elephant followed me home again."
29. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
30. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
32. You've fallen and you can't get up.
33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
34. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"
35. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
36. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
37. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch...do it and die!"
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"