Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Go Fly a Kite!

I was in my backyard trying to fly a kite confused
I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds,
then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, Laraine is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
"You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

$20 for Sex!

Was marvin a smart man..On their wedding night, the young bride Jodie, approached her new husband?
Marvin and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Marvin readily agreed.

This was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years; with him thinking that it was a neat way for her to afford new clothes and things that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find Marvin in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his company was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, Jodie handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that she was one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, Marvin was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.
 

I love SNOW!

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the 1st time in years & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplow came along & I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we'd have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I'd never want to see snow again.

December 14: Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the life! Later the snowplow came back, again, but I'm getting in better shape. Just wish I didn't huff & puff so much.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow tires for the wife's car & 2 extra. Shoveled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that's silly - we aren't in Alaska...

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt real bad. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.)

December 17: Too cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. (Won't admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when she's right.)

December 20: Power's back on and had another 14" of the stuff. Shoveled all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbor says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think he's lying...)

December 22: White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff & its so cold, it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbor who has snow plow on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he's lying.)

December 23: Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she's lying.)

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. I'm gonna get that snow plow driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if I'm finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sing carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snow plow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I wanted to hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'll throw her in the snowbank.

December 26: Still snowed in.

December 27: Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in and the wife is making me crazy!!!!!!

December 29: Another 10" & neighbor says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. Another 9" in forecast.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house: no more shoveling.

January 8: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 

Castration

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
 

Dating Twins

A man was telling his friend that he was not only dating twins, but was making love to both of them!
His friend asked him, "Arn't you afraid you'll get them mixed up?"
"Naw", he said, "Her brother has a mustache!"

A duck walks into a bar....

A duck walks into a bar...
...and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!"
"Your eyes work", replies the duck, wryly.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"And your ears", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly", says the bartender, "sorry about that... it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

The bartender watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The owner of the circus comes into the bar and the bartender says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the owner, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the bar the bartender says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the bartender.

"The circus?", the duck asks, a bit bemused.

"That's right", replies the bartender.

"What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the bartender.

The duck looks confused. "Why would they want a drywaller?"

One Wish Genie

The story is told of a woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce global competition, and low wages in third-world countries, I can only grant you one wish. So, . . . what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. "

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish. "

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for — a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that map again!"
 

Navajo Translation

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba
City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with
all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about,
occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA
personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were
and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The
man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man
gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would
chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message,
"Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

 

R.I.P.

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”
 

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1 : Marriages are made in heaven, but so again, are
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2 : If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3 : Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4 : Married life is very frustrating. In the first year
of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5 : When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is!

Commandment 6 : Marriage is when a man and woman become as one, the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7 : Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8 : Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,

economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9 : Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding,

economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only
one husband.

Commandment 10 : Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he
is finished.