Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.The three wise men were wearing firemen`s helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn`t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."
An angry wife was complaining about her husband...
.... spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by its size. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says," I don't know? let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one and two and three and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a terrific rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
This redhead, brunette, and blonde were talking about space travel. They started talking about which planet they'd go to if they could travel in space.
-- The redhead said, "I'd go to Mars, because it is red, like my hair."
-- Then the brunette, not to be outdone, said, "Well I'd go to Saturn, because it's got all those groovy rings."
-- Finally, the blonde spoke up. She said,"I'd go to the Sun."
The redhead and the brunette laughed!
-- The redhead said, "Number one, the sun is not a planet."
-- "And number two," the brunette finished, "you'd burn up."
-- The blonde said, "Well duh! I'd go at night!!!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am sooo sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre, followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything had been incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No, she replies......... 'But you just happened to catch my eye.'
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore because they got those darn video cameras everywhere."
A young blonde woman was on vacation in Australia and driving through Darwin.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices to local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3-meter croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the river.
Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out...
Crap! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under
the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.
He just walked in."
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well....?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
When she walks into a room people say,
“Oh My God.”