Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absoulutely nothing to go on!"
1.After the first day of a world brewing convention in the states, the CEO's of various brewing organisations retire to the bar.
2.Bruce, the CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In 'Straiyla, we make the best beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters mate.
3.Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States we brew the finest beer known to mankind and i make the king of them all. Gimme a Bud".
4.Hans steps up next: "In Germany we invented das beer. Give me ein Becks, der real King of beers."
5.Paddy, CEO of Guinness steps forward: "Barman give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please."
6.The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness Pat?"
7.To which Paddy replies "Well, if you pussies aren't drinking, then neither am I".
A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady
said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare. So I explained to her that my
Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who
his Daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to
My Dog gets his first check Friday.
Damn this is a great country.
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-) ...
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he approached towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself:
"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned to him "What the hell do you want?"
The man smiled, then lay back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Southwest!"
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'