Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearance.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots
of your best single-malt scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a
time, as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow, I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The man says, "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God. What is it? What do you have?"
The man says, "Fifty cents."
Two really old guys were sitting on a bench across the street from a flower
One of them said, "I am so bored, for ten bucks I would take off all my
clothes and run through that flower show."
The other guy says, "Here's ten dollars."
So the old man takes off his clothes, and runs into the show. About 15
minutes goes by, and finally he comes back.
His buddy asks "How did it go in there?"
"Fine," he replies, "I won the prize for the best dried arrangement."
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight. "Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father." The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there
was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to
see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
The supervisor asked, "Is it the Governor?"
The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the President."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
A truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The
next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad
news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the truck driver and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and I
made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Sure, but just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a
week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "Now what should I do?" His mother has an idea. "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. " I was humiliated," he groaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked him mom. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook!"
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all
afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played
baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor.
They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they
don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and
Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well
with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and
Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay
the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so
far, we've been lucky..."