Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Police Nurse Joke

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Police Nurse Joke

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
 

Boys and Tampons Joke

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Boys and Tampons Joke

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"  "Eight," the boy replies. The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?  "Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're my brother – he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

Blonde Windows Joke

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Blonde Windows Joke

Blonde wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts her back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is completely screwed up now."

 

Good News Bad News Lawyer Joke

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Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no!  I'm ruined!  What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
 

Good News Bad News Joke

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Good News Bad News Joke

Wife: I have some good news and some bad news.
Husband: What's the good news?
Wife: The good news is I found a picture that's worth $500,000.
Husband: Wow!  That's wonderful!  What's the bad news?
Wife: The bad news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!
 

Tough Times Joke

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. 
 
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" 
 
"My mother died in June," he said. "She left me $10,000 to remember her by and help with my greif." 
 
"Gee, that's tough," he replied. 
 
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died. He was generous though, leaving me $50,000." 
 
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." 
 
"And last month my aunt died. She left me $15,000." 
 
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad...." 
 
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!" 

Winnie the Poo Joke

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Winnie the Poo Joke

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby
talk "You need to use big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana," he said.

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he replied.

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What
book did you read?"

Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the CRAP!."

So Cold Joke

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So Cold Joke

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were
at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and 
how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo 
was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest
igloo.
  They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and 
fell onto the floor.
  "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was 
colder still.
  So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a 
big lump and fell to the floor.
  "Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third 
Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third 
Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw 
back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice 
there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When 
it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
  He won.
 

Our Cold Mountian Home Joke

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Cold Mt Home Joke

My wife and and I purchased an old home in Pocahontas County in the beautiful mountains WV from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my wife confidently declared.

One January night the temperature plunged to 10 below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My wife called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, she hung up.

"For the past 30 years," she muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

LAWYER HEAVEN JOKE

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LAWYER HEAVEN JOKE

Once a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven.

God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms." So they both followed.

First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said The Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman.

"Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, we get popes by the dozens, but you're our first lawyer."