Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"OK." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins."
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A REDNECK was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, So they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
' Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'
Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop.
After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?"
The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee?"
"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee."
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows."
The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."
The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.
A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.
A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, 'Ey wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with' me and begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy water and,THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your damn cat.”
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does. After she's finished, the biker says,"Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like, hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
A farm boy is driving a horse drawn wagon loaded with potatoes around a
narrow winding dirt road. As the wagon rounds a curve the back wheel gets
too close to edge of the road rolls over spilling the potatoes. As the
boy climbs to the road dusting himself off a farmer runs from his house to
see if everyone is okay.
The boy sees the farmer coming and yells I need help my Paw is going to be
real mad. The farmer surveys the site and says I can help you turn the
wagon over and clean up the mess, but my wife is just putting dinner on
the table, fried chicken, mashed taters, and gravy, fresh green beans,
home made hot rolls, and an apple pie just out of the oven.
Come on and eat and then we can get this mess cleaned up and you can be on
Well okay the boy replies some what unsure. “But my Paw is going to be mad.
After the meal the boy has eaten so much he has to loosen his belt a notch.
The boy leans back in the chair and says we better get out there and get
the wagon rolled over and those taters picked up my Paw is going to be
The Farmer replies I know your Paw he’ll understand, by the way where is
The boy replies ….. “under the wagon”.