A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."
 

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
   a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
   move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
   replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
   not moving."
   Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
   co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
   to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
   replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
   not moving."
   The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
   should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
   to handle this."
   He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
   She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
   herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
   Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
   her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
   her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
 

A man decides to join a monastic order. The head monk tells him he must take a vow of silence, but once a year he can speak to the head monk. But he is only allowed two words.

After a year, the man appears before the head monk. For an entire year, he has been breaking his back in the vineyards, thinking about what he should say. He says: "bed hard."

"Well, thank you for your input," says the head monk. "We always like to know what is on the minds of our novices. You may go back to work now."

Another year passes and he has grown very thin. He stands before the head monk and says, "food bad."

"Well, thank you for your input," says the head monk. "We always like to know what is on the minds of our novices. You may go back to work now."

Another year passes and he once again is before the head monk. "I quit," he says.

"Well, I'm not surprised," says the head monk. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."