Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"
Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that’s the highway number."
Nun: Oh, I’m so sorry, Officer, I didn’t know that."
Then the police officer looked into the back seat and saw that the nuns there had panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What’s wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life,
I ain't got no idea'r what 'at is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his Son,
"Boy, go git yo Momma............. "
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, see the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well.....go look in the garage..."
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.
The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" , asked Morris.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
Bob, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtaking beautiful 25 year old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful looks and charm. She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re amazed, but continue to ask, “So, how did you persuade her to marry you/”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?
Bob smiles and says, “No. I told her I was 90.”
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "It's started.