Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a
soda machine and she arrived there just before a business
man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse
and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed
a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which
she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she
reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and
inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully,
she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a
Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the
machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain
Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was
reaching into her purse again, the business man who had
been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well
Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she
finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit
hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer
Little Boy : But i don't know how to pray
Dad- Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
Little Boy : - "Dear Lord" he started
"Thank u for our visitors and their children, who finished all my
cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they wont come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her
on her bed.
This coming Christmas, pliz send clothes to all those poor
naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry
and provide shelter for the
homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.. AMEN "
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is ??50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
The young minister, Brother Danny, was sadly relating his tale of woe to his buddy John. His bicycle was missing, perhaps even stolen. John suggested that if the good preacher really thought that his bicycle was stolen, he should preach his next sermon on the ten commandments. If he observed his flock closely during the discussion of Thou shalt not steal the thief would give himself away. Brother Danny agreed enthusiastically and the very next Sunday, he preached eloquently and convincingly on the commandments. Suddenly, about halfway through the sermon, he announced that the service was over. Afterwards, John sought out brother Danny and asked why the sermon was ended suddenly. Didn't we think that this would cause the thief to reveal himself?
"Yes we did" answered the good brother "but when we got to Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I had left my bicycle."
We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.
Anyhow,I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."
Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn’t get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
”Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull’s rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop.”
The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed.
Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.
He says to himself “I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself.”
He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.
”Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing.”
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.
Finally, he said “You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch.”
Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
”What the hell are you doing, Luke?” says Farmer Brown.
”What do you think? I ain’t blowing on the same end that you did!”