Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The
next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad
news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the truck driver and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and I
made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Sure, but just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a
week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "Now what should I do?" His mother has an idea. "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. " I was humiliated," he groaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked him mom. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook!"
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all
afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played
baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor.
They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they
don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and
Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well
with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and
Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay
the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so
far, we've been lucky..."
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as
beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the
table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please? I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the bar and the bartender says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the bar the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" asks the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle," asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck pauses for a moment with a confused loook on his face and says, "What the heck would they want with a bricklayer?"
Three tortoises, Al, Jeff and Jake, decide to go on a picnic. So AL packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Al unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Jeff Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Jeff. "I thought you packed it."
Alan gets worried, He turns to Jake, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Jake didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Jeff and Alan beg Jake to go back for It, but she refuses as she says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, she finally agrees. So Jake sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and she still isn't back and Jeff and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and she still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Jake pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT GOING!"
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
the priest tells Henry, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing"
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" Henry asks.
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that smug grin off your face."