Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Make A Baby
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
Nuns at a ballgame
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Drunks and Nuns
Three drunk guys are sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (whose habits partially blocked the view).
In an effort to get te nuns to move, the men decided to badger them.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, I heard there are only 100 nuns living there.”
The Second Guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there.”
The Third Guy said, “Well, I want to go to Idaho, they say there are only 25 Nuns living there.”
At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, “Why don’t you all go to hell. You won’t find any nuns there.”
Farmer Joke
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Lost
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood.
The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.
"Nope," the farmer replied.
"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"
"Nope."
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?"he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."
A Thief and .25 cents
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One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
Ladies and Golf
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Golf Joke
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.'
THREE TEXANS
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ELECTRIC CHAIR
These three Texans go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a fighting Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires!"
Frog Joke
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Feminist's Fairytale!!
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened
upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil
witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince
and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing
so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and
saying, "I don't think so."
An Old Priest
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In Washington , D.C. An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near...
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.. The nurse sent the request to the President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected." Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing..
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence, and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the End?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Obama.
"Amen", said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying, cheating, thieves; I would like to do the same."
An American Tourist in London
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An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences.... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,
"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
A Guy Goes to a Female Dentist
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A guy goes to a sexy female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.
"What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
