Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Coast Clear Joke

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Coast Clear Joke

 

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. 

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down. 

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 

The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

Just Like Mom Joke

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Just Like Mom Joke

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

Tractor Joke

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Tractor Joke

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob ‘s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
 
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, Billy Bob ?”
 
“Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
 
“But me’n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
 

Whales Joke

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Whales Joke

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them chirped saying, “It’s WALES, you friggin’ idiot!”

So, I immediately apologized and said, “I’m sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?”

... That’s pretty much the last thing I remember ...

Read more: http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_dec2012/Women_From_Wales.htm#ixzz2VLkvUdTD

 

Baby Planes Joke

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Baby Planes Joke

A mother and her son were flying “Southwest Airlines” from Kansas to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He said that his mother had.
So the stewardess said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”

White Hair Joke

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White Hair Joke

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asks. Her mother replies, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So how come ALL of Grandma’s hairs are white?"

Eye Out Joke

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Eye Out Joke

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. "Oh my god, I'm sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back into its socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman offered to drive him home. "But it's over an hour out of your way," the man said. "Are you sure you don't mind?" "Not at all," she said. "I'm looking forward to it." The guy was amazed and flattered. "You know, you're the perfect woman," he said. "Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replied, "you just happened to catch my eye!"

Fly A Kite Joke

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Fly a Kite Joke

 A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. 
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. 
He tries this a few more times with no success. 
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, 
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 
"You need a piece of tail." 
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!" 

More Ammo Joke

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A man walked into a crowded local bar, waved a six shot revolver around and yelled, "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You've gonna need more ammo!"