A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he
   had been born and
   brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he
   felt grass under his
   little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
   'Wow, this is great,' he
   thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing
   under it he saw a
   wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at
   the lush grass.
   'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
   escaped. Are you wild
   rabbits?
   'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.
   Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted
   so good. 'What else
   do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.
   'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots
   growing in it. We dig
   them up and eat them.'
   This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
   succulent carrots. They
   were wonderful.
   Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'
   'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
   as well.'
   The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
   completely full. 'Is there
   anything else you guys do?' he asked.
   One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
   'There's one other thing
   you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the
   far corner of the field.
   'They're girls. We %#&* them. Go and try it.'
   Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little
   heart out until, completely
   knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
   'That was fantastic,' he panted.
   'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
   'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
   The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought
   you liked it here.'
   'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory.
   I'm dying for a cigarette.'
 

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the bartender.
"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"
"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" 
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we 
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"