A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives,
 
when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
 
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
 
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
 
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
 
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
 
The chief replied, "MY bike.

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let the kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. Then he goes and visits mosques.

Finally, the last straw.

He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

It was a very hot day. Two men were digging a ditch.

One said to the other, “Our boss is up there in the shade of a tree. Why are we down here digging a ditch?”

“I don’t know,” replied the other. “I’ll go ask him.”

He climbed out of the ditch. He went to his boss.

“Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re resting in the shade?”

“Intelligence,” the boss said.

“What’s intelligence?” asked the digger.

The boss said, “I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree. Hit it with your fist as hard as you can.”

The ditch digger made a fist. He swung as hard as he could and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger’s fist hit the tree.

The boss said, “I just demonstrated intelligence!”

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What’d he say?”

“He said we’re down here because of intelligence.”

“What’s intelligence?” his friend asked.

“I’ll show you.”

The ditch digger put his hand on his face. He said, “Take your shovel and smash it into my hand.”