Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan. Satan responds, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked. St.Peter is having lunch, so they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the walland get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them.
One angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "MY bike.
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let the kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. Then he goes and visits mosques.
Finally, the last straw.
He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!
Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!
At a girl’s college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.
One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
“I want to surprise her. You see, I’m her brother.”
“Oh, she’ll be surprised all right,” said the woman. “But not more than I am! I’m her mother!”
It was a very hot day. Two men were digging a ditch.
One said to the other, “Our boss is up there in the shade of a tree. Why are we down here digging a ditch?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other. “I’ll go ask him.”
He climbed out of the ditch. He went to his boss.
“Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re resting in the shade?”
“Intelligence,” the boss said.
“What’s intelligence?” asked the digger.
The boss said, “I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree. Hit it with your fist as hard as you can.”
The ditch digger made a fist. He swung as hard as he could and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger’s fist hit the tree.
The boss said, “I just demonstrated intelligence!”
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What’d he say?”
“He said we’re down here because of intelligence.”
“What’s intelligence?” his friend asked.
“I’ll show you.”
The ditch digger put his hand on his face. He said, “Take your shovel and smash it into my hand.”
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Tony , your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden , his vice presidential choice the
same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”"I’m not sure,” said Biden “Let me get back to you on that one….”
He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked,
“Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”Sarah Palin answered back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama.”Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Sarah Palin!”
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,”No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”