Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "It's started.
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife
that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris,
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, 'I forgot my teeth.' The man said, 'No problem.' With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. 'Try these, ' he said. The speaker tried them. 'Too loose, ' he said. The man then said, 'I have another pair...try these.' The speaker tried them and responded, 'Too tight.' The man was not taken back at all. He then said, 'I have one more paid of false teeth...try them.' The speaker said, 'They fit perfectly.' With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. 'I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.' The man replied, 'I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.'
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curious, so she spends the night with him. When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. "I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before." "Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the
patio with her husband and she says,
..."I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
The bartender asked, “What’s the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?”
The man said, “We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month.”
The bartender replies, “So sorry to hear that, my friend,” as he gives the customer a complimentary drink, “and how many days are left before that month is up?”
The man sadly mumbles, “Today’s the last day.”
A family had twin boys who looked exactly alike. But their outlook on life was very different. One was an eternal optimist, the other was a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. He then loaded the optimist’s room with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting surrounded by all his new toys crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?! ” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"OK." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins."