Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a while. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to move to the next step.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' He asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: 'Is that one word, or two?'
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at
a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I
hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"
was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the
same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She
replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants
for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip
her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's
done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.
The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.
As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.
The little voice says, "Oops..."
An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.
A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about the fate of her baby.
•Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
•Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
•Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The 3rd one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being a man he decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs!
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.The other three gathered around him and asked: “What’s wrong?”Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. “I’m sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.”One of his buddies asked, “What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?”Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, “This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole.”“Oh my God”, the other golfers said. “That must have been horrible!”“Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?” Bob continued still very distressed. “It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…”