Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, ‘Well, I’m sure Fred would be pleased.’
'I’m sure you’re right,’ replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.‘How much did this really cost?’
‘All of it?’ said Helen. ‘Thirty thousand.’
‘Really?’ Jody exclaimed. ‘I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?’
Helen answered, ‘The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.’
Jody says, ‘$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!’
Two and a half carats.
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
So, I was talking to this little girl Catherine, the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use toward a new house.'
Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5 dollars?'
And I said, Welcome to the Republican Party.