Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Father, what is this?" he asked the pastor.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!' For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there? 'Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing.... 'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama! 'Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said ... ... "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well.... In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber, there were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-ear-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes ..
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.'
She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.
She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?'
He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.'
She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!'
He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!'
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week That's about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up With something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asked,"would she live in this house?"
"We've put a lot of money into this house. So I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife continued, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us over two thousand dollars. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replied. "She's left-handed."
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, " After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of this story
(1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s**t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!