Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Morris returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife, Alma, that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made mad passionate love.
Six hours later, Morris went to her again, and said. “Honey now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?”
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later Morris is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours left. He touched Alma’s shoulder and said, “Honey? Please? Just one more
time before I die.”
She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Morris, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and tossed and turned
until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Honey, I only have four
hours left! Could we?”
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Morris, I have to
get up in the morning! You don’t!”
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I
had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you
to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
Two Good Ole Boys ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bubba and Jimmy Joe bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, they found it cost too much to board them. They turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up,"? Jimmy Joe asked. ~~~~~ "Easy", replied Bubba, "We'll cut the mane off yours and the tail off mine". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By spring the mane and tail had grown back to normal length ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Now, what are we going to do,"? asked Bubba. ~~~~~~ "Why don't you just take the black one, said Jimmy Joe, and I'll take the white one"..
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL poop on it’s head!”
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other,
"Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know... she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"
The ceremony was over. The deceased husband was buried, and the widow stood beside the grave with her best friend. As of that moment, she confided, she had no money left.
"How can that be?" said her friend. "You told me you got $40,000 from an insurance policy. How can you be broke already?"
The widow answered, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. The rest went for memorial stone."
"You spent $35,000 for a memorial stone?. Good grief, how big is it?"
The widow extended her hand. "Three and a half carats."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came