Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Last Thursday Night Around Midnight,
A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter
For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.
The Following Monday Morning,
The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.
The Woman Replied,
"I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.
I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...
I Was There Alone,
So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.
As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.
I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol.
The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."
I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,
And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,
"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
The Woman Replied Under Oath,
"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger Of My Pistol The 7th Time,
It Only Went Click."
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges.
And She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window...
What are you doing?
Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine...
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: And her, what is she doing?
The young man shrugs: I believe she's knitting a pullover...
The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night... and nothing obscene is happening! What's your age, young man?
I'm 25, sir...
And her, what's her age?
The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes..."
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great!
Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic.
"Next semester in her biology class."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white?The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so."
"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I dont think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre about to break."
"I"m not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I dont think so. I"ve had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how"d this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his ambition to be the fastest gunslinger in the West. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'. 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your rear end and it won't hurt as much.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had
something else to take care of first; the motorcycle, the car, e-mail, fishing,
always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way
to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. When you finish cutting
the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway!
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.