Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Blind Policeman

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

 

What'll You Have?

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

Blonde and a Gun

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes about and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
 

I'm a Lesbian

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied,

‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy.’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.’
 

Poor Dad

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying 'God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, 'God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened. This morning our long timr neighbour James dropped dead on our porch.'

G.A.S.H.

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
 

A Tough Old US Marine

Katie Couric , Charlie Gibson , Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.
He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the a**,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the a**,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the a**.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the a**?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three a**hole's report that I was the aggressor....?

Do You Have A Weedeater?

Two rednecks, Rod and Pete, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Rod turns to Pete and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Pete thinks that's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Rod goes to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for four classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic," Rod says, "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, you must have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, you must have  a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, you probably have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Rod shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet Pete at the bar.

He tells Pete about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.

"Logic," Pete says, "What's that?"

Rod says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
 

Medical Miracles

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we > > can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him > > looking for work in six weeks.' > > > > A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one > > person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four > > weeks. > > > > The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that > > we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and > > have them both looking for work in two weeks..' > > > > An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. > > We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the > > White House, and now half the country is looking for work.' >
 

The Rich Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife