Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we were friends."
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
The waiter says, "sure chief, comin right up".
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter replies,"whoa Tonto we're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles proudly and says:
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
A man went to the movies, and in front of him was a woman with her dog.
The film was a romantic comedy, with lots of jokes but plenty of dramatic scenes as well. During the funny parts, the dog laughed his head off. During the sad parts, the dog cried his eyes out. This continued until the film was finished. The man figured he had to say something to the woman. He tapped the back of her seat.
”Your dog seemed to really enjoy that film. That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to face him. “You’re telling me,” she said. “He hated the book.”
As I understand this, the health care plan will be written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it and whose members will be exempt from it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is dead broke.
What could possibly go wrong?
Two good ol' boys were driving down the road when they needed some gas.
After a while, they saw a sign that read "Free Sex with Fill-up." They decided to pull in and asked the attendant for a full tank. After he was done, they paid and the attendant started to walk away.
"Wait," the driver yelled, "what about my free sex?" The attendant rolled his eyes and came back to the car.
"Okay, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10."
"No, the answer was 3. Sorry." As the attendant started to walk off, the passenger asked to guess. The attendant agreed.
"No, I told you the answer was 3." The driver then sped off.
"I think that game was rigged," said the passenger. "There is no way to win.'
"Uh-uh," the driver said. "My wife won three times last week."
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and windscreen cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to a nearby location. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also December 1st - three times just yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.
So be careful.
T-Square, Spreadsheet, Measure and Coffee Break
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8oz. without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat Coffee Break and said 'do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...
He drank the milk ate the cookies, and then beat up the other three cats. Later he claimed he injured his back while doing so, so he filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise during the last few years…, just getting over the hill.