Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A burglar broke into a Christian family’s home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he whispered to the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? And what is your name?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed.
“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Mr bear and mr rabbit were walking through the forest when they came to a magic frog....
the frog said ' Because you have awoken me i will grant you both 3 wishes each'
Mr Bear smiled and jumped to his first wish...he said
'I wish all the bears in this forest apart from me were female'
Woosh and the wish came true, now it was Mr rabbits turn.
'I wish i had a brand new motorbike helmet'
Woosh a helmet appeared in his hands, now Mr bear again
'hmmm...i wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too'
so the wish came true, back again to Mr rabbit
'I wish for a motorcycle'
and the motorcycle appeared infront of him...mr bear moaned that mr rabbit was wasting valuable wishes but carried on with his final wish anyway.
'I wish every other bear in the entire WORLD was female'
so the frog granted the wish. Mr bear smiled and turnt to mr rabbit for his final wish. Mr rabbit put on his helmet and climbed onto the motorcyle turning on the engine.
The frog said 'Well mr rabbit, your final wish'
Mr rabbit turnt and said 'I wish mr bear was gay!'
and drove off into the forest as quick as he could.
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a dip and chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like crap!" Then I would say, "It is crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said.
"It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," replied the father, "what have I done." So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me, "stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?"
Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds above opened and a Mighty Voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny
But to me that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there".
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room
And say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is generally me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat.
Then, when the person walks away,
I ask myself, "who the hell was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke.
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Three women died in a car accident and went to heaven. When they arrived Saint Peter said , "Here is only ONE rule in Heaven don't step on the ducklings."
When they came in, they saw that it was true there were ducklings all over. It was almost impossibel not to step on one of the ducklings, though they try very hard the first woman had an accident and stepped on one of those. Saint Peter arrived with the ugliest man ever seen, put them together in chains and says "That's your punishment for stepping on a duckling, and forever you'll be chained to this ugly man!"
Next day the number two woman stepped on a duckling. The man who see everything, Saint Peter arrives with another ugly man, using the same comment as yesterday he chains no. two woman to that man.
The third woman has seen what happened to her girlfriends, and don't want that to happen to her, so she walks very, VERY carefully.
She managed not to step on the ducklings for several months, and one day Saint Peter came to her, with the most handsome, and beautyfull man, ever seen. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and not fat at all.
Saint Peter put them together in chains without a word. The woman said: "I wonder what happened, since I should be chained with to forever."
The guy said, "I don't know what YOU did, but I stepped on a duckling!"
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you
remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, “Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?” Nobody, of course raised their hand. So he issued the question again. “Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?” Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. “Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection.” The man responded, “My wife’s first husband.”