Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other,
"Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know... she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"
The ceremony was over. The deceased husband was buried, and the widow stood beside the grave with her best friend. As of that moment, she confided, she had no money left.
"How can that be?" said her friend. "You told me you got $40,000 from an insurance policy. How can you be broke already?"
The widow answered, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. The rest went for memorial stone."
"You spent $35,000 for a memorial stone?. Good grief, how big is it?"
The widow extended her hand. "Three and a half carats."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"
"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
Al and Jeff had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Jeff and Al blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Jeff drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Jeff looked up and gasped.
"Al!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Al said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her
mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of
us, we'll show him how wrong he is."