Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.
The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
There were two blondes with hammers, Becky and Sally Ann, doing some carpentry work on a house. Becky, who was nailing down house siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Becky explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”
Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, “You moron!!! Those nails aren’t defective, they’re for the other side of the house.”
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where abouts in Ireland are ya from ?
The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.'
About this time, a man walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to him, shaking his head and muttering, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
The man gives him a quizzical look, 'Why do you say that?'
The bartender explains, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"
Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that’s the highway number."
Nun: Oh, I’m so sorry, Officer, I didn’t know that."
Then the police officer looked into the back seat and saw that the nuns there had panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What’s wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life,
I ain't got no idea'r what 'at is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his Son,
"Boy, go git yo Momma............. "
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, see the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well.....go look in the garage..."