Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Of course he thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he's big shot lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from West Virginia. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please." "What for?" asks the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop" says the deputy, "License and registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats impatiently..
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and without warning starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop... or just slow down?"
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done,she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
Husband says : "Hi Darling, Your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you said Hello to them."
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school
play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, maybe next
time you'll get a talking role!"
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters,
so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.
The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.
"Twice a week?"
"Twice a month?"
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. 'Yes, Yes, I will.'
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.'
Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”
The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”
The trucker replies: “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m homesick.”
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.
"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."
"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."