Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun and a Machete.
So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking
A man is being interviewed for a job and the interviewer asks him "What would you say is your greatest weakness?" The interviewee replies "I'm pathologically honest." The interviewer looks confused. "You're honest? I wouldn't describe that as a weakness. I think that's a great quality to posess." "I don't give a damn what you think."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, Now dont get mad at me... I know weve been friends for a long time, but I just cant remember your name. Ive thought and thought, but I cant recall it. Please tell me what your name is.Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.Finally she said, How soon do you need to know?
The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local meteorologist office.
"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"
"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"
So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.
"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.
The Chief looked at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to the forest. The Chief called the forecaster.
"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"
"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""
Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
“Twenty Euros,” she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty Euros.
So they hid in the bushes. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is a Police Officer. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the cop.
“I’m making love to me wife,” Murphy answers sounding annoyed.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.” “Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!”
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract and she wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she began to climb up the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor and she told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat and an anti-hunter, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her go wait in the examination room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Enviromental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management so we could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" that was located near a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
A distraught senior citizen Phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence Before the senior lady replied.
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"