Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Press One Joke

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Press One Joke

I was at the Town Center yesterday and got beaten up by a woman. I was on the elevator when this beautiful woman with a great bust got on. I was staring at her boobs when she said would you please press 1. So I did. I don't remember much after that.

Cross Eyed Cow Joke

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Crossed Eyed Cow Joke

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
 
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

I found the remote Joke

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I found the remote joke

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then placed his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. He proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He did the same on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" To which he responded: "I found the remote."

Dog Joke

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Dog Joke

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”
“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says….
Liver alone. Cheese mine.

Singing Frog Joke

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Singing Frog Joke

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist"

Wedding Dress Joke

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Wedding Dress Joke

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied,
"Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

No Sex Joke

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No Sex Joke

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

 

Blonde Snow Joke

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Blonde Snow Joke

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Winnipeg were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through. "

So the good wife went out and moved her car....

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. "

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
park...."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

Clone Joke

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Clone Joke

A scientist managed to clone himself, but the clone had one major flaw - it couldn't stop swearing and behaving in a disgusting manner.

The scientist knew that although he had made one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs in history, there was no way he could present such an embarrassing example to the world's press, so he decided to kill the clone and make a less offensive replica of himself.

The scientist took the clone to the top of a high cliff with the intention of pushing him over the edge.

"Where are you f-ing taking me, you silly old c**t?" asked the clone as they walked along the cliff edge.
"Just for a nice bit of fresh air" said the scientist, unconvincingly.
"You're going to f-ing push me over the ******* cliff aren't you, you f-wit!" screamed the clone as he tried to run away.
Unfortunately for the clone, this proved somewhat difficult as he had his trousers around his ankles and was quickly caught by the scientist and tripped up.

Quick as a flash, the scientist rolled him off the edge of the cliff and watched him fall to his death.

Several weeks went by and the scientist was wracked with guilt and decided to go to the police. Based on the fact that the clone was not officially alive, he was sure he would get away with it.

In the police station he told his story, confident that he could not be charged with anything. After much deliberation the chief inspector decided to arrest the scientist.
The scientist was shocked and asked on what charge was his arrest based on.

"Well sir, I am arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."

 

Let's Talk Joke

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Let's Talk Joke

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know... how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "Okay, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"