A family had twin boys who looked exactly alike. But their outlook on life was very different. One was an eternal optimist, the other was a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. He then loaded the optimist’s room with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting surrounded by all his new toys crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?! ” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
 

 Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop.
After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?"
The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee?"
"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee."
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows."
The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."
The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.
A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"

 A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.

A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, 'Ey wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with' me and begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy water and,THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."