Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, 'I forgot my teeth.' The man said, 'No problem.' With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. 'Try these, ' he said. The speaker tried them. 'Too loose, ' he said. The man then said, 'I have another pair...try these.' The speaker tried them and responded, 'Too tight.' The man was not taken back at all. He then said, 'I have one more paid of false teeth...try them.' The speaker said, 'They fit perfectly.' With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. 'I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.' The man replied, 'I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.'
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curious, so she spends the night with him. When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. "I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before." "Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the
patio with her husband and she says,
..."I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
The bartender asked, “What’s the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?”
The man said, “We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month.”
The bartender replies, “So sorry to hear that, my friend,” as he gives the customer a complimentary drink, “and how many days are left before that month is up?”
The man sadly mumbles, “Today’s the last day.”
A family had twin boys who looked exactly alike. But their outlook on life was very different. One was an eternal optimist, the other was a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. He then loaded the optimist’s room with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting surrounded by all his new toys crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?! ” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"OK." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins."
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A REDNECK was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, So they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
' Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'
Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop.
After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?"
The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee?"
"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee."
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows."
The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."
The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.
A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"