Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

The Ad Joke

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No Arms Joke

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!” The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
 
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!” Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
 
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Are you still good in bed?” With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Grandmaw goes to court Joke

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Grandmaw goes to court Joke

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

 

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

 

 

Where is my hearing aid Joke

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Hearing aid joke

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have? suppository?”

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.

Short Nose Joke

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Short Nose Joke

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style? It makes makes your nose look too short.”

 

Fly A Kite Joke

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Fly A Kite Joke

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
 
He tries this a few more times with no success.
 
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
 
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
 
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
 
“You need a piece of tail.”
 
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
 
“Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

Talking Frog Joke

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Talking Frog Joke

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he
heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
 
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He
thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and
there, floating on the top, was a frog.
 
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
 
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful
woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and
jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
 
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached
over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his
front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you
hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your
beautiful bride.”
 
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Barbie Joke

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Barbie Doll Joke

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

 We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

DOCTOR'S CHILD JOKE

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DOCTORS CHILD JOKE

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

 
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
 
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Text Joke

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Text Joke

A furious man is leaving his wife.as he's storming out, his mother in law calls round "what's wrong?"she asks."I sent a text to my wife telling her I'd be home early", he fumes."I got back to find her in bed with another man."
"im sure there will be a simple explanation his mother in law says."let me go and have a chat with her". She goes to talk to her daughter and returns a few minutes later."I knew there'd be a simple explanation", she says with a smile."she didn't get your text".

Blonde & Snow Joke

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2 Blonde Snow Joke

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Kroger parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"