Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Solitary Confinement

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
 

Southern Lady

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River
Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't
jump, Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumbass Yankee."
 

Hiccups

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new
doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant. She burst out screaming, as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him
her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was
and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has
four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up
asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
 

I thought he could fly!

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself."Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

I'll Take That TV!

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,? That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

 

Old Man - Young Girl

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.

‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
 

The Church Gossip

Sarah was the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house............... And he left it there all night.
 

You are going to die!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Need a Screw for that Hinge?

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent his Wife Marge to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Marge saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt,
the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300." "My goodness that sure is a lot of money!"Marge exclaimed.
Then she proceeded To describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the Back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Marge, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

The Nun and the Cabbie

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat? The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?" The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you tellin me you never think about doin' it? The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand." The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it.
The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?" The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children." The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don't youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."

The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear.

As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?" The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids. And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well my name's Steven and I'm on my way to a costume party."