Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: “Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kühe und die Schweine haben darin geschissen!”
Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!”
The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!”
The Amish man shouts back in English: “Use two hands, you’ll get more!”
Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.
Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.
Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap It In Bacon
2.Toss It In The Air!
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there
the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her
e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately,
he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's
wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow
checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream,
and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and
saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
PS: Sure is hot down here."
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.
"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across
a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna
rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they
take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love
to her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the
dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe suddenly remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the darn dishes!!!'
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well
then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I asked where the the Polish Sausage was?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Lowes."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
cyanide. The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband!' The pharmacist's eyes got
big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my licensce! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! The lady reached
into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist then said 'Well, now, that's different. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription.
A Rabbi and a Priest are flying a plane. The planes engines start to fail and both the Priest and the Rabbi know that the end is just moments away when they crash into the ground.
The Priest looks at the Rabbi and asks, "There is something I have always wanted to ask. Have you ever tasted ham?"
The Rabbi looks at the Priest and says, "Yes, I have had a ham sandwich once. It was pretty good. Now let me ask you, have you ever had sex before?"
The Priest lowers his eyes and says, "Yes, once when I was young, before I became a Priest."
The Rabbi smiles and says, "It beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"