Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.
"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across
a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna
rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they
take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love
to her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the
dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe suddenly remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the darn dishes!!!'
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well
then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I asked where the the Polish Sausage was?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Lowes."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
cyanide. The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband!' The pharmacist's eyes got
big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my licensce! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! The lady reached
into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist then said 'Well, now, that's different. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription.
A Rabbi and a Priest are flying a plane. The planes engines start to fail and both the Priest and the Rabbi know that the end is just moments away when they crash into the ground.
The Priest looks at the Rabbi and asks, "There is something I have always wanted to ask. Have you ever tasted ham?"
The Rabbi looks at the Priest and says, "Yes, I have had a ham sandwich once. It was pretty good. Now let me ask you, have you ever had sex before?"
The Priest lowers his eyes and says, "Yes, once when I was young, before I became a Priest."
The Rabbi smiles and says, "It beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several doctors
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the Casino and bet
twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now"?
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
then he thought for a moment.
You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and
we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and
your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may
very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!"