Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Wipe that smile off your face!
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Lemon Smile Joke
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
the priest tells Henry, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing"
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" Henry asks.
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that smug grin off your face."
Trucker Joke
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Trucker Joke
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want 3 flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
Brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to kitchen to ask cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is - an auto parts store?"
"No" sad cook. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, ok" said blonde. Then she thought about it a minute and spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to customer.
Trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
Vol Firemen Joke
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A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
'That ought to be obvious,' he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. 'The first thing we're gonna do is get the damn brakes fixed on our fire truck!'
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
'That ought to be obvious,' he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. 'The first thing we're gonna do is get the damn brakes fixed on our fire truck!'
Clinton Joke
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Clinton Joke
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner,
day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what he knew
what would certainly follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton . This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would again
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more
apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"
Blonde & The Pop Machine
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Blonde & The Pop Machine
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a
soda machine and she arrived there just before a business
man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse
and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed
a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which
she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she
reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and
inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully,
she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a
Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the
machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain
Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was
reaching into her purse again, the business man who had
been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well
Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
Diet Pills Joke
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Diet Pills Joke
Ttying to help a friend...
My friend's wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection
When he came back he handed her some diet pills
My friend is looking for a place to live...can you help??
Ex-Wife Joke
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Ex-Wife Joke
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she
finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit
hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't!“
No more Cell Phone
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Cell Phone
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with the blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart." Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young women sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Let us Pray Joke
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Let Us Pray Joke
At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer
Little Boy : But i don't know how to pray
Dad- Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
Little Boy : - "Dear Lord" he started
"Thank u for our visitors and their children, who finished all my
cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they wont come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her
on her bed.
This coming Christmas, pliz send clothes to all those poor
naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry
and provide shelter for the
homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.. AMEN "
Centipede Joke
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Talking Centipede
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is ??50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
