Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know... how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "Okay, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A tough, old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It had rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr. Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say "Thank God" to get him to stop you must say "Our Father Who Art in Heaven."
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said, "Thank God," and the horse took off. They rode for miles with Marlow enjoying every minute of it. Suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven!"
The animal stopped instantly. Marlow reached his shaking hands into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. As he mopped his brow he said, "Thank God!"
A big city lawyer went deer hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a buck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a deer and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that deer, I'll sue you for everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom. The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the deer."
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the smart-arsed visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself 'Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!.' There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: 'No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.' So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, the voice booms out again: 'Okay ..... NOW you're screwed.'
Seems a guy had informed his hunting buddies that he wouldn’t be able to hunt DEER this year. Times were tough and the dear wife had put a firm kibosh on the trip.
Yet, miraculously, the hen-pecked husband showed up in DEER camp late in the evening before opening day. Everyone was thrilled.
“How did you manage to pull this off,” his friends wanted to know.
“Well,” reported the last-minute DEER hunter. “I was sulking around the house feeling really low and my wife finally took notice. She disappeared into the bedroom. Then waltzed out a few minutes later wearing the smallest negligee I’ve ever seen. Then she explained that she felt bad that I couldn’t go DEER hunting and suggested that I tie her up and do anything I wanted.”
“I ran for a rope and here I am!”