Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the smart-arsed visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself 'Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!.' There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: 'No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.' So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, the voice booms out again: 'Okay ..... NOW you're screwed.'
Seems a guy had informed his hunting buddies that he wouldn’t be able to hunt DEER this year. Times were tough and the dear wife had put a firm kibosh on the trip.
Yet, miraculously, the hen-pecked husband showed up in DEER camp late in the evening before opening day. Everyone was thrilled.
“How did you manage to pull this off,” his friends wanted to know.
“Well,” reported the last-minute DEER hunter. “I was sulking around the house feeling really low and my wife finally took notice. She disappeared into the bedroom. Then waltzed out a few minutes later wearing the smallest negligee I’ve ever seen. Then she explained that she felt bad that I couldn’t go DEER hunting and suggested that I tie her up and do anything I wanted.”
“I ran for a rope and here I am!”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Jacob (92 years old) and Rebecca (85 years old) are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on
the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: " Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers " Yes".
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob; Medicine for rheumatism?
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: What about vitamins and sleeping pills?
Jacob turns to Rebecca: Sweetheart, we might as well
register here for our wedding gift list !!
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained, "Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.
A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her in on Mondays, but on Tuesdays and Fridays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."
Theres this Italian family that lives on a farm in America. The father calls his 3 sons Anthony, Louis and Nick into the kitchen.
He says to his sons "which one of you pushed the outhouse into the river?"
"Not I" replied Anthony
"Nor me" Louis said
"It wasn't me either father" said Nick.
So the father says "I want to tell you a story about George Washington. One day George Washington's father gave him a hatchet. Then, George Washington chopped down his fathers favorite cherry tree. George Washington's father said George who chopped down my favorite cherry tree? and George Washington said father i can not tell a lie it was me. So George Washington's father hugged and kissed his son for being honest with him."
Then Anthony said "Father I like George Washington can not tell a lie, I pushed the outhouse into the river."
The father takes off his belt and starts beating him. After he got the beating Anthony says "Put father I was honest like George Washington."
The father replies with "But George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."