Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. "Oh my god, I'm sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back into its socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman offered to drive him home. "But it's over an hour out of your way," the man said. "Are you sure you don't mind?" "Not at all," she said. "I'm looking forward to it." The guy was amazed and flattered. "You know, you're the perfect woman," he said. "Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replied, "you just happened to catch my eye!"
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
Alabama beat Arkansas,
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee,
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Auburn,
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Notre Dame
and the Pope resigns...
Too bad the White House doesn't have a team.
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark
corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be
ready Thursday," he said calmly.
A concrete-truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the readi-mix driver and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a
week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region.
The pilot drops them off and tells them, "I`ll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?"
One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says, "Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose."
One of the hunters replies, "Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a `big` tip to take both moose out."
The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says, "Where the heck are we?"
The other looks around and replies, "About 200 yards further than we got last year!"
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little
Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait
until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"