Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Oil Change Instructions for Women:
- Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
- Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
- Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
- Clean up mess.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Look for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
- Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
- Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
- Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
- Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
- Drink beer.
- Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
- Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
- Drink beer.
- Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
- Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
- Begin cussing fit.
- Throw wrench.
- Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
- Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
- Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car gets impounded.
- Make bail.
- Get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
But you know the job was done right.
He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine
‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself, ‘when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.
If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard,and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum.’
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.
‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered, ‘He’s gonna run for Congress!’
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz.."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (" la computadora"), because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible no everyone else;
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
- In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
- They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I´m not hungry right now. It´s this Viagra," he says. "It´s really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir-fry?"
He declines again. "No, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I´m starving."
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
A point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can’t seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn’t even like the country her husband wants to run!
Now…On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate ‘Mc‘ terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!
What in God’s name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies!
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!
First-year students at Vet school were receiving their First anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."
For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough; it's even tougher if you're stupid.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist Exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize Each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful Antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye On this antique watch It's a very special watch. It's been in my Family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and Forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of Eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist's' fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center